FUNNY SIDE UP: A helpful election checklist

Share Adjust Comment Print

It’s that time when we Canadians head for the election booths to vote against a particular political leader.

It’s become a cliché to say, “I am not voting for A. I am voting against B.” (Way to go, democracy!) I don’t think that sort of detached logic applies to any other activity like, “I am not marrying A. I am intentionally not marrying B.” Anyway…

In politics, we have become so jaded by broken promises of politicians, we approach the ballot box with the mantra, “They’re all the same. The only change they ever make is their minds once elected.”

So, I toy with not even voting, but then another cliché is chucked at me: “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain afterwards.” Yes, I can. George Carlin once said, “I can tell people I didn’t vote for him. You did.”

Then someone will say, “You have to vote to preserve democracy.” Answer: Benjamin Franklin said, “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.”

I am not an unreasonable fellow (Yes, I am). I want to vote even if I have to hold my nose while preserving democracy. So, I have come up with a checklist of requirements I have in a leadership candidate:

1.  I will not vote for a leader who has previously been in power. If they are all the same, why would I vote for the same person again?

2. I will vote for the candidate who smiles the least in public. Who do you know who is normal (like you and me) who smiles no matter where they are? It’s either a symptom of fakery or insanity. That’s why you can’t smile in a passport photo.

3. I will not vote for anyone who uses the word “change.” If they are all the same, where is the change?

4. I will not vote for anyone who promises to eliminate the deficit, as impossible as repealing the law of gravity. We are too deep down the fiscal rabbit hole.

5.  I will not vote for any diplomatic candidate. Normal people (like you and me) have positions on every subject and we do not compromise our principles to appease others. I would sooner trust someone who said they didn’t like me (like my readership) than a smooth talker with a personal agenda. I prefer someone who is honest with their foot in their mouth than a Bill Clinton.

6. The leader must divide their time equally between western and eastern Canada. They must agree to live in the coordinates of 96 degrees, 48 minutes west in Taché, Manitoba.

7. Now this is the most radical condition ever proposed for a candidate: Every promise made in a campaign must be accompanied by a signed document that they will keep that promise or else face dire judgement.

8. Legally signed: In the event of election to office, two thirds of the Cabinet will be women. I am convinced women can do a better job of it than men. At the very least, I would like to be proven wrong.

9. The candidate must be able to play at least one instrument to prove they use their right brain as well as their left.

10. Legally signed: Promise to create two new provinces to more greatly honour and represent our national diversity: Yukon and Montreal, and purchase Greenland just to piss off Donald Trump.

My other demands include exiting all free trade deals and keep the jobs in Canada, abolish the Senile-ate, and double all moneys to the arts, but I am not an unreasonable man (Yes I am.)