FUNNY SIDE UP: Guilt by association

Victor Schukov jpg, BI

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It seems to me, there is a firestorm way to ruin your respectable reputation (apart from writing a humour column) or at least get into a one-off, skin-crawling, troll-baiting predicament: Get too chummy with a high end politician. We read about it all the time, like the previous below-the-radar ME TOO WEE glad-handing with our PM, inciting a niggling avalanche of investigations into the charity organization.

Another example is our latest Governor–General being criticized for something or other. (Life was so much simpler when she just had to shoot into space for a bit.) It is the adult version of what your parents said was playing with the wrong crowd. It is like a turkey in the bush poking its head out when hearing a gobble, then getting blasted by media shotguns.

I actually worked for founder Craig Keilburger of WE, and found him to be one of the nicest human beings on the planet, although I admittedly have not met everyone on the planet – a difficult thing to do when I am self-isolating, and refusing to leave my man cave.

Upper tier politicians are like those oceanic sirens in Greek mythology who lured sailors to destruction by the sweetness of their songs. Take our GG again, for example: Who can resist taking a job that has not one but two high falutin monikers in its title? Governor and General; it summons up visions of involvement in history-changing work, and then you find out your job is to greet blue bloods and cut ribbons (and sometimes there are not even any ribbons) and used ultimately as chum in a shark tank.

In the case of WEEEEE (My E sticks)  the carrot was way bigger as in ‘Hey, how would you like to manage 912 million dollars?’ Who could resist in responding like what Pinocchio may have once said – “WOOD EYE!?”)

It’s not that politicians are necessarily ill-intentioned, but having limitless access to other people’s money, drafting their own rules and unfettered by gnats like their word being their bond, makes them more akin to mobsters with good public relations (or not). One would almost think a mobster-run government would be more honest in its dishonesty, but then you look at Russia. Things were so much simpler when countries were run by kings and queens, before the invention of politicians and the printing press.

But I have to admit I have some warped fascination with what it would be like if our elected government was comprised of a commission of “families”…

House Speaker Joe “the Toe” Shawarski: “The chair recognizes the honourable (f-word) Al “Sharpie” Mahoney.”

Al: “Thank you, Mister Speaker. And I hope your wife liked that (f-word) 200 foot yacht I bought her. Mister Speaker, I would like to ask the (f-word) honourable member Willy the Wrench from Wonky Point how he got elected when there are no (f-word) constituents in his district and also there is no (f-word) town of Wonky Point.”

Willy: “Mister Speaker, it would be easier for and better if the honourable Mr. Mahoney withdrew the (f-word) question. Also, I would remind him that he is in my own (f-word) party”

Al:  “(F-word) YOU!”

Willy: “How about we make you ambassador to Hawaii?”

Al: “I withdraw the (f-word) question.”

Newly elected political prefects are like baked bread: They smell real good straight from the oven, then turn stale in a relatively short time. But we always go back for more bread. And above all, don’t get too chummy.