FUNNY SIDE UP: How come there's still no aliens?

Victor Schukov

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So, having run the rubber threads off the tires of ‘How come we have not met any aliens? (lizard people don’t count),’ some scientists have come up with the theory that extraterrestrials are sleeping. (And the authors are in a crack-induced coma.)

To be exact, our neighbours in outer space are waiting for the universe to cool down. (Aren’t we all? July and August was brutal. My cat sweats.) Already having proposed enough conjecture to have them put away in pink padded rooms, the theorists go on to say the little green people with big heads are going through a process known as aestivating (like hibernation but sleeping till it’s colder as opposed to warmer like with bears and bees.)

Apparently, the old theories are no longer enough to placate the “where are the other life forms out there” conspirators: Aliens are too smart, aliens are too stupid, too far, humans are too stupid, humans have bad breath. My theory is aliens have always been here, living in the backwater of Mississippi. (Don’t knock it. Have you ever been to Mississippi?)

Anyway, the aforesaid scientists – with way too much time on their hands – say the advanced sleepers have uploaded their minds into kick-ass computers, the idea being hardware operates more efficiently in sub-zero environments. (They haven’t been to my man cave.)

One of the scientists (I use the term loosely) was quoted as saying, “It’s not something that is necessarily unavoidable, but it is highly likely.” Strangely similar to what my doctor said to me when I showed him my armpit rash and asked him if it had something to do with using Fabreze as deodorant.

And when it comes to having seen no aliens to date, people who swear they have been probed don’t count because common sense dictates a race advanced enough to travel light years is not coming here for a poke. (Their real intent is to order a Big Mac and fries and get a better reception of Netflix.)

The scientists’ paper being published by the Journal of Out-of-Work Wackos goes on to say there is great news for sleeping aliens: According to the Weather Network and CNN, the universe will actually be nice and cool in a trillion years (except for Florida.)

The scientists in question, unwilling to let a sleeping alien lay, go on to say we can confirm their theory (Yeah, right, I’m on it) by sending probes into the universe to turn off the aliens’ air conditioners and see if they get upset. (I think that’s what started Independence Day and War of the Worlds.)  One of the (correspondence school) scientists cautioned against such action by saying, “If there really are very old and very advanced civilizations out there, we can assume there is a potential for danger in anything we do.” (Sound advice. I will hereafter desist from kicking aliens in the shins…if I ever see one.)

What’s your theory on life outside of our solar system? (Don’t bother answering that. I was just short by a few words in this article.) One of my many theories is they exist all around us in alternate dimensions, and materialize for an instant only to steal socks from your dryer. (Have you ever lost your car keys? – Aliens.)  Some things are more obvious. (Tom Cruise – Alien.)

All things considered, opinions/theories are like fundaments – Everyone has one otherwise they would be full of you-know-what. Come to think of it, the aforesaid scientists are full of you-know-what. Of course, I may be an alien just trying to steer you off course.